Pieces of Me

2003-12-10T20:19:00.000-05:00

I don't really seem blog very often do I? Seeing as now it is Dec 10. Hahah...well I am going to start to write again. I have started to miss just putting my thoughts down. I also started a new Journal aswell.
Well what's new. I am still working at TD Waterhouse....which is a blessing that I have kept my job this long. Hahha...it's so true. Not much else is new other than that, work does seem to take up alot of my life. I've gone to alot of movies lately. I suggest seeing "The Last Samurai" it is really good. I definitely recommend to everyone. I had a nice visit with my bro. He came down on Monday and we went to my dad's house and then put up some decorations outside. It looks really good but I think that it needs some colour. The only light we had were those icicle lights. Then after that we dropped off a christmas tree to my mom's and waited to decorate that until the next day. So then after work on Tuesday I came home to my mom's house and we started decorating the tree. I never realized that the majority of the time you spend decorating the tree is taken up by just the putting up of the lights. I think it was last year that we had bought one of the nets of lights that you drape your tree with. Well we had our tree completely decorated after like 30mins. It was great. Then we spent the rest of the night playing Scrabble and ate pizza. Mmm..pizza.....I'm getting hungry.
I'm starting to get scared....the year is almost over. Which means that I am running out of time to figure out what exactly I am going to do with my life. I still pretty much have no idea what I am going to do. Although I have a few ideas I don't know that if what I am thinking is really what I should be doing. I don't know. It just sucks not knowing where you are going and having no direction. I do kinda miss school, I know that it is really wierd but I do admit that I like to learn. But with learning it means doing the work and I am about the worst procrastinator in the world. I truely believe that. Well I am sure that I will figure it out. Anyways. Like I said earlier I am hungry and I am going to and eat something. Later Skaters!

2003-10-24T18:48:00.000-04:00

New....what is new? Well, I have been working tons and trying to fit in all those other fun things in life. I haven't been really good lately with keeping up with people. I am sorry about that, I know that it can be pretty frustrating. Umm...well work is going really good. I am one of the top performers so far, and we've been there for about a month so far. I was talking with my Team Manager and she said that she was really proud of my results so far. Umm...yeah I really like it there.
Umm....not much else is really new, I am going to go and try and sign up for a gym membership, probably at the YMCA so that I will actually go, since it is about 10 minutes away from work so I will just go after work. Um. Not much else to say right now, which I can say is pretty pathetic seeing as I haven't made an entry on here for like a month. Wow! That's great! lol...well I guess I'll talk to you kiddies later!

2003-09-30T20:12:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone,

I know it has been a while since I last wrote in here. I have been pretty busy for the past while. I started the training at TD Waterhouse USA. It went really well but was totally overwhelming. I like the people there too....there are very nice and everyone gets along really well. I am excited about the job cause it doesn't seem like it is too hard. Which is always good, but the thing about it is that you get really tired talking all the time. I've found that when I go on my break, all I want is silence. I love not talking. Yesterday was our first day of being on the call floor. I was soo nervous my first time I was on the phone but after taking a few calls I was good. Then today I was taking calls all day and I was doing very well. I have to continue that for another week and then we go back to training for advanced customer service. Right now all we are doing is just giving customers quotes and resetting their passwords. And if we are comfortable enough then we can help them with other problems but those of us who are not then we just transfer them to another department. Well I guess that is pretty much all to say about that. I am liking it alot, but I don't like how much money is getting taken off for taxes. Now I finally know what everyone is bitching about! LOL!! Well I guess that is it for now. Later kids!

2003-09-04T01:42:00.000-04:00

Do you ever get the feeling that you could just write forever. I kinda feel that way right now, but I don't know what I want to write exactly. I've never been good at writing. Sure I could always get by, but I personally don't feel that I have written anything that is either riviting, or at least interesting. It doesn't make the reader want to read more. Well, I guess that is only true to an extent because you all are reading my entries, so that would mean that you want to continue reading what I have put down. But other than here, anything else that I have writting, what I have said is true. I have such strong feelings about so many things and I just don't have the capacity to be able to express those feelings. And when I try to it doesn't come out how I want it to sound. Or it lacks the feelings that I truely feel. Enough of this babbling. I will just talk about normal things. Things of relevance to my life.
I had said in my last blog that I went to Kitchener, well I guess I'll elaborate on my visit there. I left London on the Friday of last week. Chris' parents picked both Chris and I up from his house at around 8:00. From there we went out for dinner, but before driving half way across town, they turn around to go back to Chris' house because I had forgotten my wallet. How much of an ass did I feel like. They insisted that it wasn't a big deal, but really I know that it probably irritated them. Then we went to Kelsey's for dinner, which was pretty good, except that the seated we got was at the booths. Let me tell you now, DON'T EVER TAKE A BOOTH SEAT WHEN YOU GO TO KELSEY'S!!!! Those seats are slanted and it feels like you are leaning towards your food. It's really uncomfortable. Anyway, then from there we went to Kitchener. Sat, I made an appointment to get my hair cut, and I went and got it cut at a salon called Bilalo. Cool salon, weird owner. lol...but a nice guy. Then after that pretty much just chilled at Chris' parents. Then on Sunday, bummed around the house, then went to my sister Rebecca's house for dinner, which was very cool. Then we went and rented a movie and watched that with my sister. By that time it was pretty late and Rebecca didn't want to wake up the kids to drive us home, so she lent me her truck and I was to bring it back to her place the next day. Chris and I drove around looking for something to do that night but couldn't find anything to do so we just went home. Then Sunday, I took Rebecca's car back to her house, she took Chris and I to Gloss (Gloss is a clothing store that my sister owns for those of you who don't know) Then she drove us back to Chris' then we went back to london after eating dinner. That was pretty much my

2003-09-02T21:04:00.000-04:00

Just to let everyone know, I am still alive. I am back from Kitchener, which was tons of fun. It was great to get to relax and hang out with Chris and his family. I also went and saw my sister Rebecca and had dinner there. Um...that is pretty much all for now. I am staying at my mom's house now, so if anyone needs to get a hold of me that is where I am for now.
Later

2003-08-24T16:59:00.000-04:00

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse.
I found out that for sure my granfather has cancer. It's cancer of the esophogus. I don't know the full details but it's pretty bad. He's getting either a CT Scan and it will let him know if the cancer is spreading. My sister was talking to someone that knows about it and says that he probably has either 3 weeks to 3 months left. My granpa isn't even that old. He's in his 60's I think, doesn't smoke, barely drinks. I don't get it! I feel sorry for my mom too, she's had it rough (as we all have). In the past 3 years, My aunt died of cancer, my cousin died of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome), my second cousin was murdered, my grandfathers girlfriend died of cancer, and then my granmother died of alzheimers. It's just too much. I'm drained of any tears that might have been left in me. I can't cry anymore, not because I don't want to, but because it's just not physically possible. But, who knows, I might surprise my self. I don't konw what to do.
Along with all that there is a battle for our family home between some slut and my father. The fact that I am trying to decide whether or not I am going to move out of my dad's house. My brother deciding whether or not he is going to return to school, or home. I don't think that it is helping with my dad's situation. A week ago, while in conversation with my sister Jen, he said that he was glad that for the moment I was staying with my sister. I think that he knows that if I was there, that he would be venting on me all the time. I'm not there so I can't say whether or not it is Karen who is getting all the grief, but I am just glad that it isn't me or my brother or my sister for once. And after all the shit that she stirred up between my dad and I, I am kinda happy that she is getting the brunt of it.
With September coming closer and closer, I am becoming more scared. I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that I have no future planned out, while all my friends from High School are entering University. Some of them I didn't even get to say goodbye to because they are going away for school. Sometimes I think that I have been a bad friend. But other times I remember when I was being a good friend, I was still not treated very well. I don't know really how to explain it. But all I know is that I am going to miss out on a really great experience. If and when I do experience it, I will have to do it on my own, since all of my friends would have done it already.
I have an interview on Monday for a job with TD Canada Trust. I am a bit scared because this is the first time that I have actually tried to get a "real" job. Not something that pays like minimum wage, and I am selling some clothes or little nic nacs. And I acutually have a chance at moving up if I really show them that I am capable.
On a happier note, I just got back from an exciting weekend in Brantford. I went with my friend Melinda (who is originally from there) for a wedding. I didn't know the people, they were friends of Melinda's. On the friday we went to the reception hall as soon as we got into Brantford. There we helped with setting the tables. And Melinda and I decorated a trellis that was to stand behing the head table. It was beautiful afterwards. Everyone kept telling us how wonderful it was. Then after that we taught everyone how to fold napkins so that they sit in the wine glasses and the top of the napkins fanned out. It looked really cool. After that we went to Melinda's parents house and we sat outside and tanned for a bit. Then we had some dinner. Then hung around for a while then we went to Melinda's sisters house and I dyed Melinda's hair, then went to bed. The next day we got up and I had bought a shirt for the wedding the day before. And while in the store I didn't try on the shirt, only because the man who was helping us seemed so sure of the sizes. But when I tried it on the next day, nope it didn't fit. So before the wedding service I had to run over to the shirt store again and find one that actually fit. That was the dilemma in the morning. Then after the service we went to Melinda's grandparents house. Played a game of cards, while waiting for the reception to begin. The wedding was over at 2:00 and the reception didn't start until 6:00. So we had some time to kill. So we went to the reception hall, and when we stepped into the room there was a live polish band. (I forgot to mention that this was a polish wedding). Bacially it was a ton a food, great music, and lots of booze. The night was great, I had so much fun! I can't wait for the next polish wedding. Today we woke up kinda late, and didn't get out the door to come back to london until 1:00. And now I am back. So that was my weekend. Pretty great. Well that is pretty much the update since I last wrote in here. Till later! Au Revoir...

2003-08-18T22:33:00.000-04:00

Today wasn't too bad, it was nice and quiet. I didn't have anything to stir me up you know? The weather was perfect, there wasn't any humidity, well at least not like the past few weeks.
I went and saw my friend Melinda today, which was nice, cause I hadn't seen her in a while. I miss her, but I know that she is busy and so am I. But it was nice to sit down and get to talk about the small stuff. She has been really worried for the past like 2 months about this wedding that we are going to together. Which I am so excited about because I get to meet so much of her family. It just will bring her and I that much more closer. But yah, so I pretty much just showed up at her house, which I felt really bad about, cause I know that I really should have called before, but I didn't have a quarter or anything. So, I buzzed her and she was surprised to hear it was me. But I know that I wasn't waking her up or something like that cause I knew she had to work at like 4 and I showed up at like 2:30. So yeah, she told me about her trip that she took out to the east coast. I was supposed to go with her and a bunch of other people, but I couldn't go because I am not able to book time off work, and I didn't have the funds for it. But I am glad that she had fun anyways! LOL. Cause we all know that she wouldn't if I wasn't there. lol...just kidding. So, I got to see pictures, which was definitely fun. We got caught up in conversation, and the next thing we knew, Melinda had to be at work in like 45 minutes, and she was about to miss her bus. So we walked down to the Market so that she could get some money out and take a cab to work. Umm..then I came back to my sisters house and Ari and I talked about his trip and stuff. Then I bummed around. Then we decided that we would go for dinner together. It was cool for him and I just to go out by ourselves and hangout. So yeah, we went down to Barney's which was cool. We had a few beers and I had a burger. It was definitely good times. Then I came back to my sisters house, and then I was going to sit down to watch a movie but I decided that I would come on here and type about my day. So that concludes my day.
Oh, and yesterday I had a bat attack. It's the story of Jeff, the bat and the cat! lol. Anyways, until later! Ciao

2003-08-17T15:35:00.000-04:00

Today is like any other day. Nothing special. I feel like I am wasting time. Valuable time. I should be doing something that either benefits myself, or those that I love. I want to be able to say that I have actually achieved something and not just sat around waiting for something to just land in my lap. I can't sit docile and expect my whole life to just play out before me. But sometimes I feel like I am trapped. And that I don't have what it takes to be out "there". I don't have enough guts to get up and go find my life. I think maybe it's because I am afraid at what I am going to find. I don't want to know what my life really is yet. How am I supposed to know what is right for me and what is going to make me happy? I know that I have plenty of interests, but I think with my personality that I won't be able to just stick to one. That I will get tired of doing the same thing day in and day out. And I am sure that there are a lot of people who feel the same way, but I don't want to be one of those people who had the chance at something really big and missed out on it, and have a million excuses why. I don't want to cheat myself. Although I already have with alot of things in my life. I have cheated myself out of my education. I think that a person needs to have goals. Without them you are screwed. What would drive you to succeed in life if you didn't have the goals there to get to in the end? I didn't have goals and that is what stopped me from succeeding. Although I have different paths that I can choose to keep going on. What is the point of going on though? Am I making myself happy by doing this, or am I just doing it to make everyone else happy. I know that I don't want to be a Manager at some retail store. I just don't know if I have determined what exactly I am to do with my life. I don't want to be a screw up (although it seems like I am already going in that direction) and I don't want to be in poverty, should that be enough drive for me to become something? I think that it all comes down to the fact that I don't have enough "gung ho" to do something. To drive myself to become something great. Where people could look at me and say "Wow, he's really something" . Or to inspire people to change their lives, or become better people. Maybe I am asking too much. Maybe that isn't my purpose in life. Maybe I don't have some grand role to play in this world. That I really was just meant to be a nobody. Because alot of the people in this world are nobodies, what makes me so different?
I am done.

2003-08-10T23:40:00.000-04:00

My sister came back from her vacation, I hope she had a good time. I know that my week had been peaceful.

Tonight my family got together for a family meeting. To discuss the problems that everyone has right now and try to figure out some of them. It was a tough night let me tell you that. When we got to the house, I already had butterflies in my stomach because, I knew what was going to happen. I knew that it would end up with everyone either crying or mad. I didn't want to go through with it, I wanted to go and run and hide, but that's not anything new. I am sick of always running from the things that I need to confront. I suck at confrontation. I am trying to get better but we'll see how that goes. So, when we decided to finally sit down at the table outside together, Karen (my dad's girlfriend) decided that she would "sit in" on our meeting. I thought to myself, that she didn't really have a right to be sitting there with us, she isn't really considered a part of the family. Other than the fact that she is living at my dad's house now. She has only been involved with us for the past like 2 months or so. Anyways, it turned out that I wasn't the only one who thought this. When Karen sat down my mom addressed the fact that Karen was to keep her mouth closed about things that were said, unless it pertained to her. And she was willing to comply with our wishes, which was surprising to me. Well, to kick things off my sister said that she thought the root of the problems with our family goes all the way back to when my mom and dad first got together. That it's been pretty bad ever since the beginning. I agreed with my sister, that there are expectations from my mom and dad for all of us kids that are both realistic and unrealistic. But those expectations might not always be fulfilled. In my family it has always been that when there was a problem, when we tried to sit down and work things out, it ended up in a yelling match, and someone ends up leaving. That was the way it has always been, and now for them to say, let's all get together and pour our hearts out and tell everything that is bothering us, and we'll fix it, doesn't work. You can't just snap your fingers and say that all of these expectations must be met, when we haven't been exposed to this before in a family setting. Anyways, everyone had their say, but I think that the focus of the meeting tonight was to see what was wrong with me. Why I was so upset. I finally laid it on the table, although we didn't have time for me to say everything I wanted to say because my mom had to leave. I was a mess, this was the first time that I had confessed how I really felt to all of my family. And I knew that it hurt them to see me that way. I hope that what I had said really hit home with my dad, and I truely think that it did, because he cried. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I have more expectations to follow, and they might not be the right ones for me. I feel like I am expected to go back home to my dad's house. He said tonight that he would really like me to come home. I felt trapped. I didn't know how to say no. Because I didn't really have an excuse to give him why I didn't want to come home, other than the brutal honesty that I don't like living there. I feel trapped and, it is depressing to be there. I am always trying to get out and do things, to try and get away from the house, and my dad hasn't to this day understood why. I don't really know the entire reason why it makes me so upset to be there, maybe it's all the bad memories, or resentments, or whatever. I know that it hasn't been good for me to stay there for the past 3 years. For the past 3 years I had been so unhappy and I didn't feel like I should tell anyone. So I kept it a secret, pretending that everything was alright. When really it wasn't. My dad tonight said that he thought everyting was alright except for this year. But it goes on before just this past year. I think in a way my dad feel decieved, but it's not my fault that he is so hard to talk to about things. Or maybe I just have that stuck in my head and I have to get past that and he really isn't that hard to talk to. All I know is that I do love my dad, and that I wish I could just make him happy. The most important thing that I wanted to talk about tonight with everyone was about my homosexuality. My dad seems to think that I have just come up with this one out of no where, and that he knows me better than I know myself and that I don't know who I really am. Well I haven't just pulled this out of the air, I have been dealing with it for quite some time, and I just came to terms with it, and I know that it is hard for a parent to take this kind of thing but I don't need someone especially my father telling me that I don't know who I am or what I like. I wanted to confront that tonight but, it didn't get talked about. I guess in time it will.

Anyways, I think that I have metally barfed enough on to here. I think that I am going to go and get something to eat. later everyone.
Oh by the way, I dyed my hair, it's now dark brown! yay!

2003-08-06T17:11:00.000-04:00

So, this past week I've been staying at my sisters house and it has been nice to feel like I have my own place. It was really nice of her to let me stay here.
Today was my dad's court date. I was talking with my mom and she said things kinda went well, or at least better than expected. She wants me to call my dad, but I am mad at him. He called me one day to tell me that I had recieved a phone call from Loblaws (where I work) and that they wanted me to work that night. But I had been out and I didn't recieve the message till later so I didn't call them back about taKing the shift. So then my dad leaves a message on the phone that was rude and obnoxious, and then expects me to want to talk to him. I don't get him.

I still don't know what the hell I am going to do about my life, I feel kinda lost. I don't know anything about my future, if I even have one. I am still basically going day by day. I don't know, I still need more time to think.

Well, I don't really have much else to say, I miss you Jenny poo if you read this! I hope Ari, Britt and you are having tons of fun. I'll talk to you later hopefully.

Later!

2003-08-02T11:54:00.000-04:00

I HATE IT!!!!!!

2003-07-30T00:17:00.000-04:00

Well things might be turning out for the better. I might be getting a job that I'll actually like. I am hopefully going to be employed in September at TD Canada Trust. But before then I might work at Bud Gowan depending on what the pay is like, I am not sure if I would stay there. I am acting as if I already have the job but I don't. I have an interview tomorrow, which I am hoping will go well, I need money and I need it fast. I feel like I never have money to do things that I want to do. I haven't bought myself and outfit in so long! That always cheers me up! lol...

I don't really have much to say tonight, I am getting kinda tired so I think that I am going to go to bed, but before I go, I want to thank all of you for being there for me when I have needed you.

Night

2003-07-26T22:45:00.000-04:00

Why do we put ourselves in a position where it only hurts us more than it benefits? I have done this time and time again but for some reason I do not stop it from happening again. After I had taken myself out of a position of hurt and self-destruction, I learnt that life was much more peaceful and tolerable. That the world really wasn't out to get you. And after my epiphany, I have put myself right back in that old position. I have been told time and time again, that I need to stop thinking for others and think for myself. Do that which makes me happy. How can I do such a thing, when it only brings hurt and resentment to everyone in my life. My actions that I have taken within the last few months, in my eyes, have been self-centered. And self-serving. What I have done has made someone that I do love, think that I do not love them. It's funny how the emotions that you have felt for so long towards someone, end up being the same as the feelings that person has for you. I have thought for the longest time that I can remember that this certain person did not love me, like that person is supposed to love me. Not as an obligation, but for who I am. And if you do not like who I am, then that is where your obligation comes in.
What is the difference between love for someone and loving someone? When you say, "I love you" do you really mean it, or is it said because it is expected. Or just not say it at all, because to most actions speak louder than words right? Sometimes, and sometimes not. For me, I need to hear it. Maybe not all the time, but sure, it still is nice to hear those three words. I love You. How do you even show love through actions? Maybe what one person percieves to be love through actions is not percieved that way in the other persons eyes. How is caring for someone different than a love for someone?

In a response to something that I have read, and you know who you are. Do you question yourself all the time or is it that people question you? Not only do you have to have faith in yourself, but so do those around you, especially if they say they love you. Love has everything to do with trust, and faith, if they aren't one in the same. You have built a life that many have only dreamed of and you keep it together, better than anyone else could do. But what matters most out of everything, is your happiness. You have to decide though, what your happiness means, and if you haven't achieved it how are you going to go about achieving it? But don't forget that, what you might consider happiness now, could lead to regret later. I don't know if my ramblings have helped, but the main thing I want you to get from this is that you have so many that care about you, and even though some of them have a funny way of showing it, or hardly show it at all, it is still there.

There are many things that I do not understand, and probably never will, about love. How to show it, or what it even is, or how to feel it. Maybe I do feel it, but I don't know how to describe it, or what I see as love, another might not, but either way, I am not alone when I say it, that we need love. And we need to be loved. I know that I do.

Alot to say in one blog, but it was on my mind.
Night

2003-07-16T02:25:00.000-04:00

The fire that bellows, bellows deep than ever before, and the flames that tickled now burns, my charred insides is what's left and all I feel is numbness.

Quoted by everyones favorite charater "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." How true my friend, how true.
The past 12 hours have been interesting to say in the least.
I don't really know what to do with myself right now, and I am trying to take things one step at a time.
If you could picture taking a ball of hate and throwing it at one person, how do you think that person will take it? Are they still left standing? Or have they fallen, and not sure how to get back up.

Is a father something a person can do without?

I love my family for everything they have done for me. I don't know why, but they all protect me when I need it most. I am forever in their debt.

I hope they all feel my love for them.

Goodnight.

2003-07-12T14:37:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone,

Hmmm....what's new in the life of me? Well, I got fired from my job at Music World that was fun! I got fired for something that I didn't do wrong, isn't that nice?

I've started a new job at Loblaws as a Night Crew worker. And it.....blows! I hate it, I have to work overnight unpacking the same shit over and over again, and it's getting to be a bit unbearable. The people that I work with aren't any fun and they are pretty old too. There is only one person that is the same age as me. The rest of them are in their late 20's and 30's. All of them don't really have fun either, they are all about getting the work done as fast as you can. I don't even think you have time to have fun. My dad when he was younger had the same job and said that he was always having fun and they always got their work done, but they didn't have a supervisor there to keep an eye on them. I think that I am going to go and find full time employment so that I can quit this job and not have to pull my hair out with bordom and frustration and tiredness.

Today is my mom's birthday. I called her and said happy birthday, and she wants me to go over for a coffee and a visit. I think that tomorrow we are having a party for her cause that way my sister Rebecca will be able to celebrate it with us too. I still haven't even gotten my mom anything so I think that I will have to make her something. But I am not sure as to what I am going to make. My brother might even buy something for her and then make me pay for some of it without asking me as usual.

Well I guess that is all for now...I am going to go and have a shower.
Later!

2003-06-30T20:09:00.000-04:00

It's been a while....
Well....I don't know what to really say.
I hate my life right now except for a few things that make it worth while.
I don't know how the rest of this year is going to pan out, but hopefully from here on in, it's going to get better.
I am sick of everything and I wish that I could be normal, and I wish my life could be normal.
I feel like every time I turn around there is something there behind me and I have to turn around to see what it is, and I just keep turning around until I can't do it anymore....I have to stop and when I do, I rid myself of everything that has been building up in me. But, then I start to turn again, and the viscious cycyle begins again.
My mind is flying with thought after thought and each one crashes into the other, never letting my brain comprehend what each thought is. My mind is like a big chicken noodle soup. My thoughts are the noodles...and someone keeps going in and just scooping out the noodles and leaves everything else behind.........
theft of thought
Enough of my ramblings.....
Later everyone

2003-06-09T15:17:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone.
Well, I had thought that the month of May was going to be clear of any death this year. For the past 2 years, there has been someone who dies in the Month of May, and usually around my birthday. I thought that since it was after my birthday that I was in the clear. But I just found out on Saturday that my Grandmother has passed away. Another year of mourning and I don't think that my mother is taking that well. She didn't do very well with the death of her sister Margaret, and then her nephew ( and my cousin) Jacob. Then the year later, my grandfathers "girlfriend" who kinda replaced my Grandmother who was put into a Home for her alzheimers, she passed along with a second cousin all in the same week. Anyways, to make short of it all, it has just been one death after another and it is taking it's toll on our family. I haven't really even had time to grieve for the death of my Aunt and others and now this.
The only good thing that comes of this is that my familiy actually gets together and we all see eachother. It isn't very often that everyone is able to get together. And with a funeral, pretty much everyone is there. It isn't the best occasion to be getting together over but, it seems to be the only way it works.
Other than this unexpected sadness, my life has been kinda steady. I haven't been in school for a week, cause I wasn't feeling well and just trying to catch up on my sleep.
Well that is pretty much all for now.

2003-06-04T00:16:00.000-04:00

My birthday was a success.....which I didn't doubt for a second! Well, that's not entirely true. I thought that I wouldn't have anyone there for my birthday, and althought the amount of people that showed up were small, that doesn't matter. All I really cared about was having my brother and sister and Chris there with me. Anyways, so the party was a success and everyone enjoyed themselves.....and I got really hammered!! yay! lol....not like its something new to me anyway.
The past few days have been rough though. I had to go to the doctors on Monday and it didn't go too well, I am sick and they don't know what is wrong, so I have to get these tests to figure out if it isn't really serious. Anyways, that was that day, then today when I woke up I thought that I would be going to school. Well I went downstairs to find my father in a really bad mood and then he and I had a discussion/him yelling at me. Basically it ended up with me crying for at least a half hour and him talking to me. Anyways, he really has opened my eyes and I think that things are going to change, and if they don't all I can see it getting worse. Well that is all for tonight, I am exhausted and I plan on going to school tomorrow ON TIME and that means I have to sleep properly. Later...

2003-05-29T17:08:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a while since I have written anything in here so I thought that I might write a little something before I go and do some yardwork then go to my performance tonight. I have been in 4 different performance pieces a night this week, that started on Monday. I've been quite tired and I very unmotivated afterwards to get any work done...but how is that different from any other day. I know that if I don't get on the case that I will end up being a failure, which scares me. But for some reason it's not scaring me enough to do anything about it. I only have 3 weeks left of my highschool career and if I don't start doing my work then it won't be the last one. I am so used to having a plan or knowing what is in store for me next but after leaving highschool I don't know what is going to happen after that. I feel like I have lost my footing and that I am going to fall, and if I fall hard enough, I won't be able to get back up again. Anyways, I don't know...I better figure out something before it's too late and I screw myself over.
This weekend is my 19th birthday...I am pretty excited but it made me realize something. That I am not really in contact with alot of people that I should be. I seem to have lost what I used to have with my "bestfriend". We used to be really close I find we are drifting apart, and I don't want that. She means alot to me and I am going to lose her if I don't do something about it. I wonder if she is thinking the same thing or if she even cares. It's hard to belive that after this year I am going to be saying goodbye to alot of people that I am so used to seeing everyday. I guess that is what comes with change and growing older....people change and life certainly does too.
Well enought babbling, I am going to go and mow the lawn and then go to my performances....later!

2003-05-20T23:58:00.000-04:00

Well life certainly can play funny little games on you, and put you to the test.
Yesterday was a nice day, or at least it started nice. I spent most of the day gardening and doing lawncare and such....then later on I had a barbeque at my house. I invited a bunch of my friends over (and family) and things were going smoothly until my father decided that it would be a good idea for him to have a few drinks....too bad for him, he doesn't know the definition of "few". Anyways, he made a fool out of himself and made my friends feel uncomfortable.....but other than that things I guess turned out okay. Umm..then later on that night I went to go and see fireworks and we got there late so we couldn't go into the park and watch them so we stood by the car and watched them. Then a police officer asked us to move or we would be towed so we had to leave......it was pretty shitty. Well that was pretty much the highlight of my May 24 weekend....I worked alot and that is pretty much it.....
I don't really have much else to say right now...I am kinda tired and I think that I am going to head to bed
bye for now....

2003-05-14T01:06:00.000-04:00

I feel inconsequential.....
I feel that whatever I do or say doesn't mean a thing, and that it is never enough.
Sometimes you just can't win, I guess I have to except this

2003-05-12T22:42:00.000-04:00

Well today was interesting......
When I woke up I barely wanted to get out of bed.....really I just wanted to lay there and never get up ever again.......I'm sure we've all had that same feeling when you just want the world to disappear. Well...after lying in bed and pondering the thought of not attending school...I got up and had a shower.... When I finally arrived at school I was well over an hour late.....oops! My teacher I don't think was too impressed. But anyways....
So after school I was supposed to go straight home, but I didn't want to go....I was actually dreading it. I went over to see my friend Melinda instead and I ended up just staying with her and going out for dinner which was nice. Then later I came home....although I really wanted to go back to Melinda's....anything to not have to go home.....I don't think that is a very good thing.
Two nights ago I had a very strange dream....I dreamt that I was running through a mall and I was crying....and I couldn't stop crying, and I really didn't know where I was going. Then the hallway in the mall turned into little aisles and I saw a bunch of people that I knew, but I couldn't tell them why I was crying. It was a very exhausting dream....I woke up and felt like I had actually been crying....you know the feeling you get just after you have finished crying.....anyways, I just thought that I would share that.
Well tomorrow is another day and hopefully I can look forward to it.....
Ciao

2003-05-12T00:12:00.000-04:00

My sister has given me the idea to start writing in here as well....although I do have a journal already, I can type faster than I can write. Well today was mother's day, and quite an interesting one at that. I had to work, which in itself was pretty boring. I am so sick of what I am doing it's not funny. Plus my work is a total piss off.....especially my boss. He is totally irrational. For working a 6 hour shift I didn't get a single break but then the next day when I worked a 5 and a half hour shift I got a half hour break. Stupid, they are all stupid there. ARG! I am sure that things will get better....hopefully. It's not really worth staying there for the summer though cause I only get minimum wage, cheap bastards!
Do you ever get the feeling you are being watched? I am getting that right now......creepy......
So after work I came home and I saw that father had gotten into the booze again! WOW, what a surprise.......NOT I think that he gets drunk on purpose just to bother us. I don't know....he gives me bullshit excuses of how he is under a ton of pressure and that he is forced to drink because of the pressure he is under......can anyone say DENIAL! He needs to come to terms with the fact that he drinks too much and that he can't handle his alcohol and that he becomes extremely abnoctious (sorry about spelling). Anyways, dinner still went well cause my mom took over cooking dinner and then my dad went downstairs and left my mom to do everything. Dinner tasted really good......excellent job mom. Then dad came upstairs to sit with us for dinner and he had something all down the front of his pants....it looked like he pissed himself....and with him it's a possibility. Well other than that little display everything else went okay. My brother moved tonight to Kitchener to stay with my sister......I am going to miss him. It's going to be a bit weird not having him here during the week.....but I guess I'll have to get used to it. Anyways...I guess I should get going, it's getting late.....until next time.....